I have this list of things I’d like to accomplish before I turn 30 that I wrote up almost two years ago. (I’ll post it on here later)

On Tuesday it was Squall’s and mine six month wedding anniversary and..

Wow.

Six months. I can hardly believe it. Especially since out of six months we have spent a little over 30 days together but believe me when I tell you that is something kind of oddly wonderful.

So, as a surprise, Squall got me these babies:

Completely enamored!

I love ice skating and everything to do with it but I can’t do it because I liv e in the South.. or so I thought. I found a (not so great but it works) rink a bit over an hour from here and I am now taking private lessons! Now normally I would never pay for them but since there are no group lessons, this is what works. I’m so excited at this amazing gift and being able to accomplish a dream of mine!

~Naomi

Today is my birthday.

If you told me that today would be the best birthday week ever.. I likely would not have believe you. Perhaps a good one but nothing extraordinary.

Heh.

It all began on Saturday. Squall’s unit is currently deployed. I know that it’s a waiting game until he goes. And yet, some way, somehow he managed to get leave and come home to me.

And so we decided to take a mini vacation/road trip. It was supposed to be all business but it ended up turning into something much more wonderful.

A preview of the beautiful week to come..

Then again, when your first night on the road looks like this, how can you expect it to be anything but wonderful?

Oh and the job situation? It turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I got a last minute interview at an amazing law firm. And.. I got the job! I will officially start work at the law firm on Monday. I’m beyond completely excited!

I’m not sure what’s going on in my life lately. Suddenly, that happy, carefree bubble that I lived in for a few months was popped and reality slapped me hard. Really, really hard.

When I was working at H&R this past Spring, I worked in an office full of women. We had each other backs and got along pretty well. I remember I met in passing one female and we introduced each other. The next time I saw her, she told me she had a gift for me. It was a set of brand new pans since she’d heard I had just moved into my place and had absolutely nothing to cook on. I was beyond surprised at her kindness to me, then basically a total stranger.

From then on, whenever we worked together we had a good time. She had just had a baby a few months before and was such a happy all around good person. She went on vacation and I didn’t see her for the rest of the season. We got in touch via FB and in our last conversation she was happy to hear all the wonderful things going on in my life. My recent marriage, my son coming over and the success with my job. The last thing she said to me was, “Take care of yourself my girl.”

.. And then.. last night occurred.

I remember that throughout the day there were messages being left on her wall. There was a severe emergency concerning her and her daughter. Could her family get in touch with the person writing the post? Then.. silence..

A few hours later, her wall began to become flooded with messages and my heart dropped.

“R.I.P.”  ”We will miss you.”  ”Gone too soon.” they said.

I panicked for a bit. I reached out to a former co-worker but hadn’t heard back. And after getting in touch with a few others.. I finally heard the horrible news.

A mutual co-worker K was in her vehicle with our friend, her husband, and their less-than-a-year-old baby girl. Then suddenly, for circumstances no one will ever be able to understand, the husband pulled out a weapon, shot our nice friend(his wife) and shot himself. Our friend was immediately taken to a hospital in critical condition. Her husband, dead at the scene. The baby girl was ok and our friend K was absolutely distraught at having to witness this. Then the news..

Our kind friend, had died. A victim of an absolutely senseless act of domestic violence. A child now orphaned. Family and friends lost in anger and sadness.

We will never be able to know or understand what caused her husband to commit this atrocious act of violence. We will never get to say good-bye to a kind and wonderful person. We can only hope that their daughter will be taken care of and raised in a loving home. And pray for the lives that were lost.

days night.. week.. weeks.

I quit my job. Technically, I resigned last Friday and my last day will be this coming Friday.

I just can’t do it all. Ever since having Little Man here with me, life has been completely upside down. Don’t get me wrong, I honestly love having him here. But I’ve learned one thing and the thing that I have learned is this: I cannot have a full-time job, be a mom, and hope to study/attend college. Even if it is online courses.

So, after receiving stupid texts from the newest girl at work in which she complains about my leaving work to attend to my sick child, I decided to quit. Squall said I was overacting and to cool down but I told him I’d been thinking about it for months. I even shared that I’d had a resignation letter in the works for the past few weeks. Getting the texts from the stupid new girl sort of sealed the deal.

I’ve barely slept in the past 72 hours. Little Man was up vomiting with crazy high fevers and after a trip to the doctor and later a trip to the ER, they managed to diagnose  what was wrong with him and thankfully we’ve got it under control.

I’m tired. On top of that the house we’re in have been having some extreme serious issues with the plumbing but I apparently managed to figure out the problem. The Plummer will be coming on Monday and they’re going to rip part of the bathroom and kitchen apart. Thankfully, we’re renting the house so we will not be liable for those costs but those were still some crazy days.

I admit that a part of me is sort of scared about my decision to leave my job. Ideally I will be able to take the courses needed towards a paralegal certification but there’s still that moment of, “Crap.. What did I just do? What if it doesn’t work out?”

My parents came over last night and I told them. They were really quiet and I know that to be that they don’t approve of my actions. They’d told me many months ago that I had finally put my life back together so I better not screw it up. I tell myself I know what I’m doing. Many people have told me that it seems I have everything figured out but honestly? On the inside a part of me wonders if I’m doing the right thing.

I’ve already thought about looking for a part-time job. I still have some personal bills to take care of and hopefully it works out. I honestly just couldn’t sit at a desk for 9 hours a day and staring a computer screen not really doing anything. I liked going to work and making money but I felt my time could be put to better use.

Let’s hope I’m right.

And my neighbor is on our porch strumming his guitar. But all I can think about is how much I’d like to be sitting on the porch swing feeling the cool breeze of the night with my husband. I hope he doesn’t mind my listening in..

I’m still here, promise!

I’ve been super busy these past few days. Squall was here for two weeks and we took an amazing cross country trip. It was such a blur honestly.

I’m excited to share that I’ve started a new blog that’s going to focus completely on health and fitness. Here is the link to it.   Please check it out. It’s brand spanking’ new and it’s so uber special that the blog also has it’s own Facebook page! Again, please check it out because I’ll be giving away freebies on the FB page. I look forward to sharing that new journey with everyone!

 

~Always,

Naomi

I read PostSecret every Sunday and every now and then I find a secret that I can relate to 100%. It’s therapeutic at times to know I am not the only one that feels the same way when it comes to certain things.

I didn’t send this in but I might as well have. If you followed the old blog you know that Squall and I never had sex prior to us getting married, to the complete utter shock and surprise of my friends. Yes, I was married before and yes I have a child but that didn’t mean that I would have to change my morals.

Our first time was actually the night of our wedding. And wow, I am so glad we waited.

At most with Seifer (my ex) I think it was once every six weeks or so. So, to me sex was no big deal. That was before Squall..

Squall and I had six days together. And in those six days we did it, 18 times.

18 times. Six days.

And that’s also because on Thursday we needed a break and ending up sleeping the whole afternoon and night. So yes, with complete and utter certainty I can say:

So after a hellish marriage of emotional/psychological abuse and cheating from my ex I was finally able to divorce him. We live on opposite ends of the country and I am now happily married to my best friend who turned out to be the love of my life.

I had a child with my ex and we now share custody of him. He’s currently four years old. In a few weeks husband and I will be flying up to the NW to pick him up.

I had asked my ex that if he had an ounce of respect for me left he wouldn’t bring his mistress when it came time for us to exchange custody. I use the term “mistress” loosely though “whore” comes to mind most of the time. This was a person who decided to made my life a living hell and since I am in a much better and stronger place the my initial reaction upon seeing her would be to hurt her. (Yes, I know my ex is far worse and if the Earth swallowed him I wouldn’t care but since we have a son together and we actually have to communicate daily so he kind of needs to be around.) I’ve never met this ****. I’ve only read what she’s said about me via the emails I found chronologicaling their affair, the lies they spread about me and whatnot.

Anyway, he agreed to not bring the mistress. We’ve yet to pick a location, something public (probably the park or something since this is all new to me) but.. When I reminded him last night he pretty much gave me the impression that he’s going to bring her.

I mentioned it to my husband and was going to be nearby just in case the ex tried to pull something to begin but..

  How would you handle this? What would you do?

I had an appointment with an OBGYN scheduled for next Monday but I got a call today that it was cancelled because she’s going to be in surgery. Can I wait until the following week?

Um. No.

This was the soonest available to begin with (from two weeks ago!) and now they want to push it back more? “Why did you wait until now?” You might be asking as opposed to heading to the ER asap? My sad excuse is that my health insurance only kicked in today. I know. It’s not the greatest thing I’ll admit to but I know the costs of heading to the ER and that I couldn’t afford it. Plus, what’s done was done. They couldn’t have done anything.

The nurse asked why I wanted to go see the OBGYN and I told her. She placed me on hold for a few minutes then told me there was an opening tomorrow. Amazing. I call two weeks ago and nada, and the night before there’s an opening?

I spoke to a girl at work who had worked at an OBYGN’s office for three years and even before I had finished telling her my symptoms and what had occurred she said, “You had a miscarriage.” I guess I wasn’t imagining thing after all?

The reason for tomorrow’s visit is that I want to find out why. And I know that I probably won’t get an answer. I was only four weeks ago but I need to know if there was anything I could have done. Also, if I’m ok. And if it would be ok to try again in a few weeks. A small part of me is scared that they’ll tell me bad news but I’m hoping it’s not.

I’ve asked Squall if he wouldn’t mind staying awake long enough for me to tell him what the doctor said to me and he of course has no issue waiting.

*must get through the workday tomorrow!*

 

UPDATE: The doctor said everything looks ok. She suggested that I start taking vitamins since we do plan on trying again to start a family. Last night I went to Sams and purchased the giant bottle of gummy adult vitamins (regular vitamins make me really sick) to take daily. It was a lot simpler than I thought it would be and I’m still not sure if that’s a good or bad thing..

I’ve been debating whether or not to write about this topic. I know I haven’t written much lately. But, I feel compelled to finally write.

A few weeks ago I started feeling kind of odd. I would come home and pass out (asleep) on the couch right after work, I was nauseous, back pain, and had a constant bitter taste in my mouth. I wasn’t too concerned at first. Then I missed my period. And suddenly the symptoms began to make sense. I was pregnant.

 Was..

Two weekends ago.. Friday to be exact, I began to feel bad at work. I was in a freezing office and I was hot. Burning up completely and sweating even. I came home fell asleep and woke up late to talk to Squall. It was only four weeks since he had been here so I knew that it was too early for a full positive on the pregnancy test. We had talked about waiting until the weekend for me to test so I woke up excited in the morning. But just as I reached down to take the test, I felt myself getting sick. I saw blood. I sobbed and denied that it was there then crawled back to sleep. I wanted to call Squall but it was so early that I didn’t want to wake him up. A few hours later, I woke up again and it was still there.

I finally called him on Skype and was in tears before I told him everything. We had been discussing a baby and even thinking about telling our friends the news. And now, there was no news. He held out hope. He told me he still thought we had a chance and I agreed but by the afternoon, it was obvious there was no more baby. That’s when it hit him. And it broke my heart.

I was supposed to go to a wedding that day but I spent it crying. I spent Sunday angry and mad at the world. And only now am I at peace with what occurred.

We didn’t know. This was a blessing we welcomed with open arms. Squall said that we probably got ahead of ourselves. I was already looking at Babies R Us and picturing baby clothes. I spoke to an Ex about it since I knew he wouldn’t give me the sad pity eyes and he told me I hadn’t gotten ahead of myself. He and his fiancée have purchased all the clothing for their child and she’s not even pregnant yet. He told me I was doing what came naturally to me and there was nothing wrong with that. He was surprisingly helpful.

Squall is coming here next month and it will be the most time we’ve spent together, consecutively since we met in 2009. We have discussed the possibility of having a child and today I made an even bigger decision.

I had been thinking about quitting my job and going back to school full-time. Squall welcomed the idea and said that he fully supported me. But after pulling into the parking lot at work after lunch, I realized that if I go to school full-time, it takes away the possibility of having a baby. If I wait a few years for that, I won’t be in a good place since I’d be busy trying to focus on getting into the nursing program and whatnot. By going to school part-time, sure it’ll take longer for now but ideally once Squall comes home, I can put the baby in daycare and focus on school then.

I choose a family over a career for now.

 This is a huge deal for me but, it’s also one of the clearest decisions I’ve ever made. (The first being I knew I wanted to be Squall’s wife.) But it doesn’t come easy. When I see Squall next month, it will likely be the last time I see him for the rest of the year. He’s got a one year-long deployment to crazy place in the Middle East and that scares me. I don’t know when I’m going to see him again. So, whether we try or not. Whether I get pregnant or not, it’s all in the air. We can try all we want but if it’s not meant to be, it won’t happen. I know personal friends of mine that have tried for years to get pregnant without positive results. One of my closest friends is shocked at how enthusiastic I am about wanting to try for a baby because she knew how anti-baby I was. I told her I couldn’t help it. I saw a photo of Squall as a toddler and the love I felt for him grew exponentially.

 Oh, one very exciting thing. Squall and I are flying to the NW to pick up Tidus for two weeks! We get to be a family and I get to have the two loves of my life home with me. Whether Tidus get a new brother or sister is still up in the air but all I know is that I can hardly wait for them to be here.

 I’ve been thinking that maybe losing that baby was for a reason. Maybe we were meant to know for sure we wanted to add to our family and not have it be an accident. God never gives us more than we can handle. I keep reminding myself of that.